


Anything and Everything

by Zoi no miko (zoi_no_miko)



Category: Dark City (1998)
Genre: Angst, Love Triangle, M/M, Stargazing, bath house
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-21
Updated: 2010-01-21
Packaged: 2017-10-06 13:01:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoi_no_miko/pseuds/Zoi%20no%20miko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Murdoch fights with dividing his affections between two people. Against Daniel's better judgment, he complies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I think one of the most interesting things I've experienced as an author while working with this fandom is being able to pick and change the level of homosexual awareness that the city has from piece to piece. So far this has ranged from The Bathhouse being gay as all fuck, to "no one's injections included any gay knowledge whatsoever". The latter is where this piece stands.

**Prologue**

He still came into the city, a few times a week, though at first he wasn't particularly sure why. He had his paradise now - Shell Beach, full of warmth and sunlight and all the good and wholesome things he remembered from his past - even if it was a fake past. He even had Anna, who wasn't quite Emma, but she liked him, and really, it was the only thing he had left to build on, wasn't it? The only tie to a normal life was a woman who didn't even remember their marriage. Mind you, neither did he - just flashes. Having dinner, drinking wine, making love. Sitting with her on the riverbank, Daniel giving him a flower to give to her....

Ah yes, Dr. Schreber. The figure dominated his set of memories, as far back into childhood as he could remember. The essential mentor, teaching him how to control the abilities that saved the city, that kept the city going. The Merlin to his Arthur, his brain supplied, images from an old storybook of things left behind, before they came to this place. But he didn't particularly want to be King Arthur.

Somehow, though, he still went into the city. Mostly at night, after he'd dropped Anna off at her home after a date. It was familiar to him, and part of him could sense it, where everything was, and if he concentrated, where people were. And somehow, within the first few weeks, he found himself at Schreber's office.

It was surprising to him, that the Doctor hadn't moved. Even more that the office had been reopened - everything inside repainted to bright, soft colours. He'd only been here once before - while he was trying to find his identity, sneaking in after the Doctor had left, and the impression then had been incredibly gloomy. Now all the signs of Schreber's experiments seemed to have been erased. There was even artwork on the walls in the waiting room. It looked... strangely normal. The lights were on inside despite the late hour, so he knocked lightly on the door.

There was a moment of silence, then familiar shuffled footsteps, and the door opened to blue eyes and a shy, crooked smile. "John!"

He'd missed Daniel, he realized, a thought which was strange to him, but somehow not unwelcome. Before he knew it, they were upstairs in Daniel's apartment, talking over tea like old friends. Which in a way, they were - at least as far as John's memories were concerned. There were differences, of course - the most obvious being Daniel's appearance, scarred now against the golden perfection of John's memories. But the longer he spoke with Daniel, the more he found he liked the differences. The Daniel from his memories was firm, driven, and left little time for anything but learning. That was, he supposed, his role. This Daniel was quiet and patient, listening much and speaking thoughtfully, and the next time he came into the city, he found himself back in the same place.

"Why didn't you ask me to change anything for you?" He asked one night after several such visits, as Daniel took him around to show the small changes he'd had made to the building, the small offices where he now took clients - an excellent psychologist, what with the advantage of knowing the history of everyone in the city - his library, his apartment.

Daniel gave a soft, breathy laugh, shaking his head. "You have already done -- so much for me, John. It would be very rude -- of me, to make requests of your time -- for frivolous things."

"I don't think it's frivolous," he replied with a little frown. "Is there anything you need doing? I'd like to do something for you. To thank you."

The doctor looked a little surprised. "For?"

He pointed a finger to his own temple. "Saving my ass with that nifty little memory cocktail of yours."

He could see the tips of Daniel's ears turn pink, something he found strangely cute, and the doctor gave a little shake of his head, lowering it. "I am honestly -- fine, John. But thank you for -- your offer."

He smiled, but didn't take no for an answer. Upon leaving, he stood outside the building for a long time, sensing it, figuring out which areas were and were not used. Then, he put a bathhouse in the basement, much like the one he'd met the Doctor in a few times, before the city changed. Not large, but good sized. Enough for a few people to relax. For Daniel. He threw in an elevator for good measure, only accessible with Daniel's key, and left a neatly folded white terrycloth robe with a couple of towels in a bag in front of his door, with a brief letter explaining the gift. It was such a simple task for him, but strangely it made him happier than he'd been in a long time.

_____________________________

**Chapter 1**

The next time he came into the city, the Doctor wasn't in his office, or his apartment. It took him a moment to remember the bathhouse, and he took the stairs down, knocking lightly on the frosted glass door. "Daniel? It's John. Are you here?"

"Yes -- please come in, John." Steam escaped when he opened the door, and the room he stepped into was warm and comfortable without being too hot. He crouched down beside the small pool, where Daniel looked up at him with a smile, arms folded on the edge. "This is amazingly -- wonderful, John. But you didn't have to --"

"I wanted to, I told you that." He cut the doctor off with a smile, feeling almost fond as he looked down on him. "It's no trouble for me at all. I'm glad to see it's being put to good use."

Daniel chuckled softly, smile widening. "Oh yes. In fact, sometimes I would rather not -- get out. You have completely spoilt me."

"Good, you deserve a bit of spoiling. Are the controls and everything all right? Not too hard to change the temperature?"

"Of course, it is -- very easy. Come in and try the water -- if you like?"

He considered it for a moment, then nodded, creating a few more hooks on the wall beside the one Daniel's robe hung from. He undressed, prudently Tuning himself a pair of swimming trunks and pulling them on - not so much for modesty's sake, but because Daniel still lounged in the water in trunks and a t-shirt, and he figured it wouldn't be polite to go skinny dipping in someone else's pool if the owner was not doing so himself.

The water was lovely, and he said as much, leaning back against the side of the pool with Daniel beside him. They talked for a while - about the city, about Anna, about Daniel's practice. About the challenges of being the only two awake in the city of dreams, the only ones knowing the truth.

Finally, he turned to Daniel, leaning on his elbow on the side of the pool. "I'm curious... why do you bother with clothes here? It's private, you're the only one with access. Well, other than me."

Daniel glanced down at his shirt with a little sad smile. "That is a very -- good question. Unfortunately, I am... heavily scarred," the doctor said simply, though by the tension in his shoulders, John could tell that the words did not come easy to him.

"Because of the Strangers?" he asked softly, and the Doctor nodded.

"Yes. It is not something that I would -- inflict on others."

"But there's no one here to see...."

"I do not particularly wish -- to inflict it on myself -- either."

John felt his lips part at the admittance, felt a rush of dismay. What had they done to him that would make him loathe to even look at himself? He watched the doctor for a long moment, long enough that blue eyes turned away from his, the tips of his ears turning pink again.

"I can fix it," he found himself saying, before he really knew what he was doing. "I'd like to, if you'll let me."

The flush on his ears moved down to his cheeks, and he gave a little shake of his head, still not looking at him. "Thank you, John. But I am fine."

"Not if you can't look at yourself," John replied softly. "You're the Doctor, Daniel. Isn't it an unhealthy state of being?"

Daniel was silent for a long moment, looking out at the steam rising in curls off the water. "It is... deserved."

He felt another rush of dismay, and a little anger, and he moved to face Daniel in the water, reaching out to curl fingers around his biceps. "Bullshit. It is not deserved."

"John -- the things I have done...."

"I know what you've done. And you still don't deserve this. You've suffered enough."

The doctor's lips parted slightly, eyes searching John's, almost astonished, and John found himself thinking about how blue they were, how expressive. "You... mean that?"

"Of course I do." He forced himself to speak more gently, rubbing Daniel's arm ever so slightly with his thumb. "It's honestly no trouble at all... please let me do this for you?"

Daniel lowered his eyes, and he could feel his form shiver a little under his touch. Then he gave a short, quick nod. "Thank you. Just tell me -- what to do."

He glanced around the room, then elongated and widened the stone bench to the size of a single bed, giving it a waterproof cushion, draping it with towels. Then he started to climb out. "Come here and take off your shirt for me. Lay down." He handed Daniel another towel, turning away politely as the man took off his top and half dried himself before settling on his back on the bench. He perched on the side of the bench when he turned back, finding his friend trembling slightly, watching him with more than a little anxiety. He let a hand rest lightly on his chest, spreading a dry towel over his legs for comforts sake. "It's not so bad."

"You lie very -- obviously, John," came the soft reply, and he gave a little rueful smile.

"I guess I do." He let his fingers run over the expanse of skin slowly, watching them, taking in the myriad of thin lines and puckered burn scars with sorrow. "Truthfully. I don't know how you survived all this."

"They made sure -- that I did." Daniel replied softly, trembling under him, and John found himself wishing he could somehow calm the man. Instead, he let his palm rest on Daniel's bare chest and went to work.

His lungs were first - something that John had been itching to try for a very long time - carefully replacing damaged tissue with fresh, strengthening collapsed passages, making everything new and young again. Then, when Daniel could draw breath deep and even again, he started on the rest. First the leg, once broken, badly healed. Then his skin, his fingers moving slowly across his chest as he did, focusing on each mark, each scar, slowly smoothing them away.

When he reached the top of his shorts, he looked up to find Daniel watching him, very close to tears. "Your back as well?" he asked softly, and Daniel nodded silently, turning over and pillowing his face in his arms. His back was almost worse, and a little more difficult with the shaking of his shoulders, so John leaned down to nestle his face against Daniel's damp hair, an arm around him, holding him close. "Shhh...."

"I'm sorry," the doctor whimpered, and John found himself squeezing his shoulders gently.

"Shh. It's all right. It's almost done." He pressed a soft kiss to his hair - though where the strangely intimate gesture had come from, he wasn't sure - then sat up again, going back to work.

When he reached the small of his back, he stopped, fingers slowly tracing the line of his shorts. "Is there more further down?"

A quiver, and a soft reply. "Yes."

"May I - "

"Do it."

He gave a slight nod, folding the towel down on his thighs, easing the band of his shorts down over his ass, trying to focus on what he was doing and not the sudden, strangely enticing thought of this man laying mostly naked and vulnerable under him. He let his fingers trace slowly over the marks on his skin - lash marks, he realized this time with sorrow - Tuning them away, leaving the skin under his fingers soft and smooth.

Without warning, Daniel gave a soft whimper and moved, sitting up and wrapping the towel around himself protectively, legs over the opposite side of the bench to face the wall. "John, I need to stop. I am sorry."

He turned more into him, resting a hand on his back. "Of course - what's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

The blond shook his head, and John could feel him trembling almost violently under his touch, flushed and breathless. "No, no. You - please, I just need some time alone."

"All right..." he hesitated, not moving, not lifting his hand from the shoulders that shook under his touch. The man was obviously upset, and he hated to leave.... "Are you sure there's nothing I can do?"

Blue eyes turned to look at him, anguished. But there was something else there, some mix of fear and passion that hadn't seen the doctor display since they vanquished the strangers. He leaned a little closer, searching his eyes. "... Daniel?"

The doctor sighed, soft and helpless, then leaned into him, fingers slipping up into John's dark curls and eyes falling closed as he pressed his lips to his. It was just a simple kiss, a soft, short caress of trembling lips against his, the shivering sigh of Daniel's breath like a gentle touch afterward. Then he pulled back entirely, turning away to the wall. "I'm sorry. Please leave."

He stared at the man for a long moment, at the edge of his profile, mind reeling. Trying to put it all together, trying to take in what it might mean. "Daniel..."

"Please, John." The doctor's voice shook, thick with emotion. "I have so little dignity left when it comes to you. Please leave me."

"I don't want to." The words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself, and he leaned a little closer, smoothing his hand up his back. "I never meant to make you feel... undignified. I...."

Daniel shook his head, cutting him off. "It is nothing that you have done, John. It is simply that you know everything about me. I cannot keep it from you - who I am, my past, what I have done. I cannot even... hide this." A soft, shivering laugh, and he shifted away from him on the bench, shrugging away the touch on his back. "Please, John."

He didn't move, and Daniel didn't say anything or acknowledge his continued presence, hands clenched so hard at the towel that his knuckles had turned white. But John found that as much as his mind was reeling from the implications of what Daniel had said and done... he couldn't make himself leave.

"What if I don't want you to hide it?" he said softly, and watched Daniel's shoulders stiffen under the towel. He moved to kneel on the bench, catching his face gently and trying to guide him to look at him, but Daniel jerked back from his touch.

"John, please don't do this."

"I don't want to leave." His fingers hovered in the air where Daniel's face had been, then slowly drew back. "Can't we figure this out now?"

"I hardly think that sitting mostly naked in a bathhouse is the ideal time to be discussing our relationship," Daniel said softly, still refusing to look at him.

"What does it matter?"

Daniel gave a soft, helpless laugh. "God, John. Are you so stubborn that you can't understand - " But that was as far as he got before he found John Murdoch's mouth pressed to his, urgent and demanding. Daniel resisted - or tried to - for just a moment, the hand that wasn't clutching the towel coming up to press to his chest, but he couldn't push him away. He whimpered softly instead, lips parting, slipping trembling fingers up into dark curls to pull the other man closer.

John suddenly found himself understanding why doing this half naked in a bath house might not be the ideal circumstance... or perhaps it was. He couldn't resist the way the smaller man shivered against him, kissing Daniel again and again and slipping arms around the towel clad form, flicking his tongue against well-shaped lips that parted for him without hesitation. He couldn't stop himself from tasting him, caressing and claiming his mouth with his own with a soft groan, couldn't stop his hands from roaming over damp, bare skin, stroking and caressing as he had been moments before, but this time with an aim to actually feel every inch of his skin, to arouse him. Before he knew it he'd pressed Daniel back down onto the bench and was laying half over him, legs tangled against his and feeling very clearly the reason for Daniel's distress pressed hard against his thigh. It was heady, almost overwhelming, and sent an unexpected rush of desire through him, something that left his nerves tingling and craving more, something so intense that he found he could hardly remember what it felt like to kiss Anna at all.

John drew back finally, feeling a little dazed as he looked down at him, breath coming in soft pants. "Do men... do this?" he whispered, fingertips slowly tracing over his cheek.

"We used to," the doctor replied softly, drawing a trembling breath. "Before we were... here. They put a stop to that, they considered it... unnatural."

"It doesn't feel that way," he replied softly, more to himself than anything else, and found himself thinking that if the rest of the city knew how good it felt to kiss Daniel Schreber, he'd have a very long lineup to fend off indeed. He stroked his hand over his hip, slow and gentle, trying to return Daniel's anxious gaze with a reassuring smile. "Can I finish with your scars?"

Hesitation, then a slow nod. "John...."

"Then may I go back to kissing you?"

Blue eyes closed for a moment with a shiver. "Anything you like, John."

He smiled, tugging off the doctor's glasses carefully and tucking them by the leg of the bench, telling him so. Then he leaned in to press his lips to the damaged eye, smoothing and straightening rumpled skin, feeling Daniel quiver under him and holding him closer. "Shhh...."

"John, we should not be... doing this...."

"No?" He let his hand smooth down his chest, tugging his shorts down gently, seeking out his scars with gentle fingertips and tuning them away as he trailed soft kisses over his face.

"You...." he drew a sharp gasp as John's fingers ran down his thigh, hips arching just a little. "You - Anna...."

He hesitated, fingers growing still on his skin at his words, wondering a little himself at why he was doing this. "I need you too," he murmured softly, realizing the truth of the words as they came out. "She keeps me sane, but... you know who I really am. That's why I can't stay away from you. I'm sorry..."

Daniel whimpered softly, reaching up to catch his face with trembling fingers and draw him in to claim his lips again. "Just kiss me," he murmured, voice shaky and breathless, and John gave himself over to it without a second thought. It was easier, just to forget about Anna and think about Daniel, about the connection he'd always felt without realizing it, about the emotions and sensations he was feeling now, surprisingly intense. He didn't want to stop this, stop the addictive way his touch and kisses made Daniel writhe and arch under him, whimpering his name against his mouth.

Daniel's shorts were barely on by this point, and it was simple for him to pull them off entirely and free his erection, which fit into John's palm almost naturally, still a little damp from the pool. He let his fingers curl around him, stroking slowly, experimentally, more than rewarded by the helpless gasp the other man drew against his lips, the way his fingers clenched at his back. And even though it was him touching Daniel, it made him groan against his mouth, arching closer to him, letting his erection grind against Daniel's hip.

John let his fingers explore him, skin sliding against skin, circling his head with the pad of his thumb, seeing what brought the greatest reaction, what made the man shudder and moan. Daniel's fingers almost raked down his back in response, tugging at his shorts desperately until he could return the touch with trembling fingers. "God, John...."

His lover's thighs parted more to accommodate him as he shifted to rest between them, balancing his weight on one forearm, pressing their lengths together and wrapping his fingers around both. Tuning lubricant was easy, stroking it over their skin, over Daniel's fingers as they joined his in the tease, and it made it even more intense. John let his hips rock slowly into their touch, rubbing against the slick length of his erection, against their joined fingers, searching the blue eyes beneath him - trusting, vulnerable, needy. Beautiful. "I'm sorry," he whispered, letting his eyes close as he claimed his mouth again, rocking a little faster, stroking more firmly. Daniel said nothing, just arching up against him, fingers clenched in his hair, breath in soft whimpers against his mouth through trembling kisses.

He hadn't realized how heady it would be, being wanted by Daniel, having his kisses returned with need and desire that he found echoed his own. Pressing close to him, feeling him shiver and arch into his touch, gasping John's name against his mouth. Kissing his neck hungrily, drinking in the taste of him as his pleasure built, nipping lightly at his skin and feeling Daniel yield to his passion, head thrown back against the cushion, crying out in pleasure. Then his fingers bit into his back, body jerking tense against him with a breathless cry as he pulsed and came, slick and hot in John's fingers.

The knowledge, the sensation of Daniel climaxing against him, the feel of him slick in his fingers was elating, a rush of stimulation compounding the hard knot of pleasure inside him, and he followed Daniel quickly, crying out breathlessly against his skin as the shudders of ecstasy cascaded through him, overwhelmingly sweet. He held tight to him for a few moments as he came back to himself, pulse slowing, mind once again forming full thoughts, and he wondered with a sudden surge of guilt if he'd just ruined everything. He felt Daniel draw a long breath, then the gentle touch of his fingers, stroking through John's hair.

"Thank you, John."

The words surprised him out of his guilt, and he shifted to lay against his side, leaning on one elbow to look down at him. "For what?" The words came out more self depreciating than he'd intended, and Daniel gave him a little soft smile, reaching up to touch his face gently.

"For healing me. And for this, which was very, very nice, although as a psychiatrist I must discourage you from continuing it..."

"Because of Anna?" He asked softly, and Daniel glanced away for a moment.

"That, and for the psychological difficulties of carrying on something that is considered by society to be deviant."

He was silent for a long moment, watching him. "How long have you... felt like this?"

"About you? Quite some time, I am afraid. About men in general... well, all my life, as far as I can remember," the doctor replied softly, sitting up as he spoke and picking up one of the discarded towels, meticulously cleaning off his fingers and stomach. He reclaimed his glasses and tucked the arms around his ears. "I am the only one in the city. This I know for certain."

"And me."

A soft smile, indulgent. "Perhaps."

John Tuned away the rest of the mess idly, wondering if he should dress, or at least pull his shorts back into place. "Can I stay with you?"

Daniel glanced over to him with a little surprise, and for a short moment John saw so much emotion in his eyes, so much vulnerability that he just wanted to pull the man to him and never let go. But then it was gone, carefully locked away, his features schooled. "I do not think that is a good idea." He stood, taking his robe down from the hook and belting it around his waist. "I have appointments early tomorrow morning, I am afraid."

"But - "

"I think it might be best if we simply remain friends, John." He located his wet things, folding them neatly and setting them down on a towel, then leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest, watching him.

John sighed and stood, Tuning his clothes to their proper place, brushing himself off. "I guess. I mean... sure." He sighed, raking his fingers through his hair, then closed the distance between them with a few steps, hands cupping Daniel's face as he leaned in to claim his mouth, yearning, trembling just a little just as Daniel was, his arms slipping around him tentatively, leaning into him with a soft whimper.

"John, please do not do this...."

"I don't want to just be friends," he murmured, and the look Daniel gave him was tortured, lowering his head with a soft sigh.

"All right, John. Anything you need from me that is within my power... it is yours."

He stroked Daniel's cheekbone slowly with his thumb. "Don't you want this?"

Daniel gave a soft, breathless laugh, almost a sob. "Yes. I just... I need some time, John. Please."

He gave a little nod, leaning in to kiss him gently, but wasn't prepared for Daniel's arms to pull him so tightly against him, returning the kiss with a soft whimper before releasing him finally, stepping back. "I will see you?"

He nodded, casting one last glance at him before leaving out into the night.

_________________


	2. Chapter 2

Daniel was just closing up the office a little over a week later when he heard the familiar voice behind him, low and warm. "You're working late today."

"John." He turned and smiled; nervous, uncertain, and shivered a little when John stepped close to him, lifting a hand to touch the bandage over his eye with concern.

"What's this?"

"A mask. I am recovering from plastic surgery, after all. I do not think I could explain my sudden healing any other way." He gave a soft laugh, and his eyes fluttered closed as John's fingertips brushed along his jaw in a gentle caress. "John...."

"Come to supper with me?" he interrupted, with a little hopeful smile, and Daniel couldn't say no.

It was easier, sitting in a restaurant with a light dinner and a bottle of wine, to pretend like nothing had happened. To converse as if they were nothing more than friends, two men enjoying a late meal. Still, there was an underlying current of unease.

Daniel broke it, finally. "How is Anna?" He asked softly, taking a sip of the red wine, and John looked away, almost guiltily.

"She's... fine. Still working evenings at the theater. I thought about telling her to quit and just giving her money, but... I think it might seem a bit suspicious." He gave a soft sigh, and drained his glass. "Why did you bring her up?"

"She is your girlfriend, John."

"Yes, but...."

"But?"

He shrugged. "I'd rather just think about you, when I'm with you." He caught the waiter's attention and asked for the bill.

"Is that particularly fair to her?"

"Daniel... please." The slight tremor in his voice made him look over to green eyes that watched him with no small amount of anguish. "Please."

Oh, those eyes. Little lost boy, like the first time he'd found him, trapped in a world of darkness with no memories to guide him. Daniel managed a soft smile, and reached over to pat his hand lightly where it sat on the table. "What would you like to do?"

John pondered this for a moment, taking the bill when it came to the table and slipping a few bills inside to pay. "Can we just walk? Maybe along the river?"

"Certainly."

They left the restaurant, walking leisurely through the city streets to the riverfront, speaking a little, but mostly just enjoying the view. He wasn't too surprised when John's fingers caught his arm, resting just lightly inside his elbow as they walked, and he didn't pull away. "How is your leg?" The dark haired man asked, and he glanced up at him with a soft smile.

"It's wonderful, John. Though truthfully, it took me a day or two to learn to walk properly again." He chuckled softly, leaning into him a little more. "Thank you."

"If there's ever anything you need...."

"I know." He smiled again, warmer this time. "Thank you, John."

They'd just passed a bench that sat overlooking the water when John stopped, glancing around almost thoughtfully. "I remember this place.... I remember being here at night." He glanced over at Daniel with a little smile. "With you."

"With me?"

He nodded, stepping away from him and walking down the stone steps to the edge of the walkway, then back. "Yes, in my memories. You were selling roses."

Daniel gave a soft, sad laugh, shaking his head. "I wish I could share them with you."

John came back to him, standing two shallow steps in front of him, almost matching his height. "You were very sweet, in a little newsboy cap. You weren't often sweet - kind, yes, and fair, and firm. But you were sweet when you handed me the red rose." He gave a little smile, remembering. "I felt something for you then."

"John, you know that is not possible. I did not include any kind of... inappropriate feelings in your memories...."

"I know." John smiled, reaching out to touch his cheek lightly, running his thumb along his cheekbone under the bandage. "But since when has 'not possible' ever held true with me? May I take this off?"

He nodded, closing his eyes for a moment as he felt the surgical tape gently peeled back - too gently, he was almost certain John had Tuned it - and the bandage pulled away. He blinked a few times, trying to get used to the difference in lighting, as well as having depth perception again, and focused on the smile John was giving him, warm and a little wondering.

"You're beautiful," he murmured, then leaned in and kissed him, warm and lingering. The touch of his lips sent a shudder of sensation down his spine, and Daniel arched into it with a soft whimper, clenching the hands that slipped into his, pulling John a little closer. Then he broke away quickly, letting go of his hands and backing up on the sidewalk.

"John, we can't do this here."

"But - "

"Please."

A soft sigh, and John rejoined him on the sidewalk. "Can I walk you home, then?"

He hesitated, then nodded, and they continued on in silence for a short time, John a little behind him, keeping close to him without touching, so that he could almost feel the other man's heat through his jacket. "I've really missed you, you know," John remarked, almost conversationally, and even though Daniel had told himself very firmly that he was not going to let things like that effect him, he felt a shiver run up his spine anyway.

"I have missed you as well, John," he murmured, and felt John's hand at the small of his back, just for a moment, but the warmth lingered long after it fell away.

They turned the corner onto his street, and John spoke again, a little more tentatively. "Can I... come in for a bit?"

Part of him told himself to run from the inevitable, but he damn well wanted it too. "Of course."

John pulled him close in the elevator, stroking hands around his waist and nuzzling his hair, voice soft, breath warm on his skin. "Tried to tell myself to stay away from you... just can't stop thinking about you," he murmured, tightening his arms around him slightly as Daniel shivered at his words. He couldn't help but shiver, and it wasn't all desire.

Truthfully, John Murdoch scared the hell out of him. He knew John - what John was supposed to be, at least - warrior, creator, protector. The things his lessons had taught him. What he'd never expected was the inclusion of 'lover', and certainly not for him, never for him. Now John was asking - needing - to be with him, needing intimacy with him. It wasn't how things were supposed to go. John was supposed to settle down with a nice girl and run the city from a normal, human perspective, and leave Schreber to live out the rest of his quiet existence trying to do what little he could to help people, make up for what he'd done. He certainly wasn't supposed to want him, certainly wasn't supposed to be trying to... to woo him, of all things. He certainly wasn't supposed to be trailing soft kisses along his jaw, breath warm on his face, and - oh....

A shiver ran down his spine as John's lips closed over his poor mangled earlobe, sucking gently, almost worshipful, tracing the scars with his tongue. It felt... good. Better than good, which was likely a big part of why he was so scared. This wasn't how things were supposed to be. But he couldn't stop himself from wanting it.

He pulled back enough to look at him, reaching up to cup his face in his hands, searching his eyes. "Are you sure that you want this, John?"

"I need you," the man replied softly, a little helplessly, and leaned in to catch his mouth, his fingers tangling in his hair to draw him into it, moaning his name softly against his lips. He couldn't help but arch into him, throwing caution and reason aside, drinking in his kisses almost helplessly. John's affection, his touch, was bright and hot and almost overwhelming after so long alone, after being convinced for so long that he'd always be alone.

He managed to keep enough of his wits about him to be aware when the elevator had stopped, and broke away almost regretfully, catching John's hand in his and taking him into his apartment. It was a good size for one person, though it looked a little smaller from the bookshelves that lined most of the rooms. Daniel hung their coats up on a hat stand in the main room, which had a big bay window overlooking the street, and a very large cage with three happy looking white rats inside. He felt John slip his arms around him from behind, and leaned back into him with a soft sigh, tilting his head for the kisses that the other man slowly trailed up his neck.

"Beautiful Daniel," he murmured, moving to face him, and Daniel felt the tips of his ears heat up, and shook his head.

"John, I -"

"Shhh," he breathed softly, and leaned in to catch his mouth with his again, very effectively driving away the rest of Daniel's self restraint with the force and depth of his kisses, with the way his arms tightened around him, hands stroking hungrily over his back and sides. He couldn't pull away, couldn't put a stop to something he wanted so badly, even knowing the trouble it would undoubtedly cause him later. John needed him; he would do his best to be there for him, regardless of the cost.

It was all too easy to loose himself to it, the fingers that quickly and deftly undid his clothing to stroke hungrily over bare skin that was now smooth and sensitive, thanks to John. He tugged John's shirt undone with fingers that only trembled a little, tilting his head back and yielding as the man began to kiss hungrily down his neck, sucking and nipping at the skin. "Can't keep my hands off of you," he murmured, smoothing Daniel's shirt and jacket off his shoulders, stroking hands hungrily over his bare torso.

"Come to bed with me," he said softly, catching his hand, and tugged him into his bedroom.

There was a kind of urgency between them, unspoken, but felt all too strongly in kisses and touch, in clothing tugged away with frantic hands, until they tumbled into bed, nude and aching. John's lips covered his chest in hungry kisses, hands stroking his hips and thighs, curling around his erection, stroking him slowly, making him gasp and arch up against him. It was no less intense, no less overwhelming than it had been when John had seduced him in the bath house, and his fingers found John's cock without delay, needing to make the other man shudder against him, needing to feel his pleasure. He gave a soft moan against the others' mouth, stroking his fingers over the heat of John's skin, feeling his erection fit so naturally in the palm of his hand. "John... make love to me."

It frightened him a little, asking for this, not knowing how John would react to the request, or even during and after the act. But part of him needed to know, know for certain how far John was willing to go, how strong this strange infatuation was, how far beyond his intended heterosexuality the man would step. He watched the man draw back to look at him, eyes darkened with desire and need, and he wet his lips, voice husky. "How?"

Daniel swallowed hard, John's desire almost palatable, increasing his own arousal and anxiety both. "From behind. Lay against my back. And..." he shifted, reaching to tug open the drawer of his bedside table and fumble for the small bottle inside. At John's questioning look, he shook his head, not willing to explain why he had this, just squeezing an ample amount on his fingers, reaching down to stroke them over John's cock, loving the way it made the man groan and rock into his touch.

He curled on his side as John pulled away, trying to relax, trying to push away the anxiety. John seemed to pick up on it, pressing close to him and kissing his shoulder warmly, trailing slow kisses up the side of his neck. "You sure about this?"

John's chest pressed against his back, arms tight around him, and everywhere their skin touched he felt the most glorious heat, like fire, searing through his skin and slowly warming the ice of loneliness that had been inside him for so long. So even though he couldn't remember doing this, if he'd ever even done this before on earth, he drew a soft breath and rocked his hips back against John, ready to leave himself entirely to his mercy. "Please...."

The soft, lingering kisses that John continued to drop on his skin helped him focus as John took the small bottle from him, but they couldn't stop him from shivering in anticipation. The press of John's fingers between his thighs was unexpected, and made him draw a sharp breath as they tentatively stroked him, smoothing up to tease him, slick with lube. He whimpered and pressed back against them before he could stop himself, gasping at the play of wet skin against sensitive nerves, at the fingertip that carefully pressed inside him, as if to test him. "John, please...."

John was more careful than he would have expected, but it didn't stop him from tensing as the man started to press into him, whimpering at the shock of it. He was more surprised when John stopped, pressing his lips to his neck, kissing warm and gentle just under his earlobe as he stroked Daniel's chest and stomach soothingly, fingers finally slipping down to tease his cock. Daniel forced himself to relax, pressing back against him, body slowly becoming accustomed to the spidery ache of penetration that crawled up his spine. When John was finally sheathed inside him, they both held still for a moment, gasping breathlessly, John's lips pressing softly, again and again to his jaw. He turned his face toward him to let the man kiss the side of his mouth, trembling, breath hot on his skin. "Is this okay?" his lover managed to ask, and Daniel answered by rolling his hips back against him, whimpering at the rush of sensation as the movement made John's cock press against him just so, sending a sharp hit of pleasure up his spine.

"Oh god, John - !" He reached back before he could stop himself to clench at John's hip, keeping him close and deep inside him. Then he started to rock slowly against him, crying out softly against John's mouth, each shudder of sensation more painfully sweet then the last. John shifted just a little, leaning over him more to catch his mouth properly, kisses trembling and needy and so deep that Daniel was sure the man was determined to memorize every inch of his mouth. John started to rock with him slowly, harder and thicker and deeper inside him than Daniel ever thought possible, and as much as it ached it was so intense, so intoxicating that he couldn't help but crave more.

Things escalated quickly, their bodies moving harder, faster together as passion dictated, John's breath hot and hard against his ear in whispered, incredulous words of how good he felt, how tight and hot and slick. That did it for Daniel almost as much as the physical sensation, as John's fingers stroking his erection, his cock filling him, sending hot shocks of sensation through him as he hit that hot, sensitive place inside him again and again. He could feel the pleasure build and surge, uncontrollably strong and intense, until all he could do was buck back helplessly against his cock, breath in whimpering cries with each thrust, craving the sensation, craving release.

"Come on, love," John breathed against his ear almost helplessly, and he felt his body tense and seize as it all rushed over him, his breath and cry of pleasure sticking in his throat as shudders of bliss arched through his body again and again. He heard John gasp his name almost helplessly, shuddering against him and rocking deep into him with a throaty cry, a flood of warmth inside him proof that he shared the same pleasure that left Daniel speechless, heart pounding and gasping for breath.

It was so good, so warm and intense and so... so caring that he almost couldn't process it, his body shivering in the joy of pleasure and affection after being so long alone. He was sobbing before he realized, gasping for breath, emotion crashing in on him all at once - joy and elation at having this pleasure, the pain of knowing that he shouldn't have done this, should never have let John stray down this path when he needed to be with Anna, the agony of knowing that this couldn't last.

"Are you all right?" John's voice was soft, concerned, and he pulled away carefully with a soft gasp, moving to enfold him in his arms, covering Daniel's face with soft kisses. "Did I hurt you?"

He managed to shake his head, pressing closer to him, craving his warmth, the strength of his embrace. "It's just - it's so good, John. So very good. I have never...."

"Shhh," his lover breathed softly, kissing him gently, hands stroking over his hair, his back, but he was trembling a little as well, seeming just as overwhelmed.

"I should not be doing this," Daniel whispered softly, closing his eyes against it all. "I should not want you so badly. You need to go home, you need to be with her... I should not need you as much as I do."

"Don't want to leave you," John whispered helplessly, ignoring his own tears and kissing Daniel hard, helplessly. "I love you so much."

The words were too much, too beautiful for him to accept, to face. He buried his face in John's chest, shuddering, trying to hold back the emotion, to tell himself that he couldn't, wouldn't feel this way. "John...."

"Shhh," his lover breathed again softly, hands stroking over his back. "Just let me stay. Just tonight. She - she won't know. Please, Daniel."

He nodded, but said nothing more, and slowly they calmed, taking silent comfort in their intimacy. John pulled the covers tight around them, nestling his face against Daniel's hair, and soon after he felt himself drift off to sleep.

~~~~~~~~


	3. Chapter 3

Going out to Shell Beach to visit John made Daniel nervous, more so than he had been in a very long time. He still wasn't entirely comfortable with their... with whatever it was he had with John, but he allowed it, let John come visit him in the city and sometimes stay. Shell Beach made him nervous - it was John's turf, John's normal life, and Shell Beach meant Anna. Still, John asked him to come out and see his little world, and it was really only fair, considering how many times the man had made the trip to see him.

He arrived fairly early in the day, and John still looked half asleep when he opened the door, but brightened considerably when he saw Daniel. "You came."

He smiled, letting John take the small suitcase he had brought with him from him, stepping into his house. "I promised you that I would."

"Thank you." He glanced down at the suitcase, then up at the stairs, and Daniel followed his gaze, taking in the house - classic, comfortable, light and airy, and somehow entirely fitting the man. "I have a guest room made up," John said, and hesitated, "But... I was rather hoping you would stay with me."

Daniel flushed, and lowered his head. "Well... we should probably keep the appearance of propriety...."

"Of course." John sounded a little disappointed, but covered it well. He took him upstairs to the guest room, which was airy with a very comfortable looking bed and a view of the ocean, and set the suitcase down on the bed. "What do you think so far?"

"It is very bright," he said with a smile, looking out the window and admiring the way the sun catches the waves. "Bright and warm. Very much like you, John."

The dark haired man gave a soft laugh, stepping closer to slip an arm around his waist, and Daniel leaned into him. He was slowly getting used to John's affectionate nature, the way the other man always seemed to want to touch him. It wasn't unpleasant - quite the opposite - but he hadn't had anyone care to do it in such a long time....

"Will you come down to the beach with me?" John asked, nuzzling his hair. "I have something to show you, to solve the problem of sand, since you said you don't like it."

He laughed softly, smiling, not resisting as John's lips found his for a lingering, tender kiss. "Thank you, John. I will change....?"

"It's a bit of a walk to where we need to go, do you have any clothes that aren't part of a suit...?" When Daniel gave him a blank look he smiled and kissed his nose. "All right, there's a pair of khaki's and a short sleeved shirt in the closet that should fit you, if you like. I'll meet you downstairs?"

He gave a little nod, thinking it was beautiful to see John so excited. "Thank you."

He changed, and met the man in the entryway, who took him through the house and out the back, through a garden rich with lush vegetation. The fence broke for the head of a staircase that went down the cliff several flights to what looked to be a private beach, blocked off from the main by craggy outcroppings. There was a small pier with a dingy tied to it, but otherwise a smooth expense of white sand. John stopped at the bottom to take off his shoes and socks, and he did the same, thinking the sand felt delicious against his toes as he stepped down from the stairs, following John out into the middle of the stretch of beach. "This is beautiful. It's all yours?"

John smiled, and nodded. "My property, yes, and my creation. I wanted something private, away from the main beach. We can stay here if you like, or I can show you the thing I was talking about?"

"Show me," Daniel replied, thinking John seemed somehow very in his element here.

The man grinned, then headed toward a small boathouse that sat against the cliffs, emerging with a pair of oars. "You can leave your shoes and such inside, you won't want them at our destination."

He nodded and did as suggested, following John down the pier and letting him help him into the dingy. "May I help row?"

"Definitely not." John shook his head with a laugh, untying the dingy and climbing in. "The oars are mostly for show," he explained blithely, and as he pulled them through the water, Daniel felt the boat shoot forward much faster than it should have. "Usually I just walk to get there, but it takes a bit of climbing over the rocks and around the cliffs, so I thought this would be easier today. Oh - you might want to roll up your pants, we'll have a little bit of wading to do."

He did so, and within no time John had pulled the dingy up onto a flat rock that ramped out of the ocean as if it was designed to hold it - which, he reflected, it probably was. He helped him secure the boat, then followed him carefully over and through the rocks, through a small gap that he wouldn't have even thought of exploring on his own.

The small lagoon that met his eyes left him temporarily speechless, standing at the mouth of it and taking it in. It shallowed into a small cave in the cliffs, the perfect, private area for swimming and sunbathing, completely invisible to the rest of the ocean, and most likely anyone on the cliffs above. He realized that John was watching him with an expectant look, and gave him a warm smile. "This is beautiful, John. You truly are an artist."

John's smile widened, and he stepped back toward him, leaning in for a yearning kiss that entirely distracted him from thoughts of swimming or practically anything else other than John. "Come," John said softly as he pulled back, slipping a hand into his and leading him along the rock ledge that edged the deeper lagoon until the reached the mouth of the cave. He tuned a pile of fluffy towels, laying two out on the rocks, which were smooth and seemed comfortable.

He'd worn his swimming trunks under the khakis, but they didn't stay on long. John joined him in the lagoon, entirely nude, and his kisses and touch quickly coaxed Daniel out of his shorts as well. They made love on towels spread on the sun-baked rocks, slow and tender and intense, and even though they'd done it a number of times since that first night in his apartment, it was still as beautiful and overwhelming as it had been then.

Curled in John's arms afterwards, exchanging gentle kisses and caresses, he could almost forget about Anna entirely. He closed his eyes and curled closer, sighing at the gentle play of John's fingers in his hair. "It's like spun gold, in the sunlight," he heard his lover muse, and looked up at him with a smile, a soft laugh.

"An artist with words as well, John?" he asks lightly, only to see him flush darkly.

"God no, not really. Just some of the beautiful things I think about when I see you."

That made Daniel flush in turn, and he leaned in to kiss him yearningly, trying to express in words he couldn't say how much the sentiment meant to him.

 

It was evening before they finally headed back, tying up the boat on the dock and climbing the stairs back up the cliff. As they approached the house, however, he could see that the kitchen light was on, and watched his lover's frame stiffen in apprehension. "Oh god... Anna's here. I'm so sorry, Daniel - I told her I had company staying, I didn't think - "

"It's all right," he found himself saying quickly.

"No, no - I'll ask her to leave - "

He caught John's arm. "That would be rude. Besides, I would like to meet her."

John turned back to him, studying his face, looking more than a little uneasy. "Don't lie for my sake...."

He squeezed the man's hand gently, then released it. "No lies. Let's go inside."

When John opened the door, he was met by a flurry of skirt and dark hair, Anna's arms flung around his neck and her lips pressed to his warmly. Despite everything Daniel had told himself about what was right and needful, he felt a rush of jealousy and anger followed quickly by a strange twist of nausea, and he had to fight to keep it from showing.

"I know you said you had company coming," she was saying as she pulled back from the kiss, arms still around his shoulders, "So I thought I'd make dinner for you. I brought a fresh blueberry pie with me."

"Perfect," John replied, smiling with relative ease. "I have a pint of vanilla ice cream in the freezer. Anna, this is my guest, Daniel, a close friend. Daniel, my girlfriend Anna."

He fought to keep his hand steady as she shook it, fought to give her a polite smile, though he still felt somehow sick. After so long with the Strangers, why was it so difficult to pretend around one human girl? "Pleased to meet you finally, Anna. I have heard so much about you."

"I wish I could say the same," she replied with a little curious smile. "John doesn't talk much about himself. I keep trying to make him open up, which he should do if all of his city friends are as kind as you."

"John is quite the charmer," he found himself saying. "I am sure all of our friends would love to meet you."

"I'm going to open a bottle of wine," John said, calmly changing the subject.

One bottle turned into two, and he noted that John was drinking as much of it as he was, though Anna only had a little. The food was, he had to admit, delicious - a pasta with cream sauce and a fresh fish she'd brought from the market. He made a note to ask John at some point when they were alone how on earth he'd managed to stock his ocean with fish. Anna talked a lot, thankfully, and mostly about herself, and Daniel didn't do much to dissuade her, answering any questions she had about his history with John with half truths based on the memories he'd given John for his childhood. John spoke little, other than to play host, and kept Daniel's glass thankfully topped up as dinner progressed. By the time John cut the pie, his limbs were warm and a little fuzzy, blessedly relaxed from the wine.

Anna took a bowl from him, handing it to Daniel. "Lets have dessert outside," she suggested. "It's a nice night, and a beautiful sunset."

John shook his head, seeming more than a little distracted. "You two go ahead. I'm going to clean up a bit, I'll join you in a minute."

He fought down a sudden surge of panic at the thought of being left alone with Anna, but followed her outside wordlessly, down the path to a little iron table that sat by the back fence overlooking the ocean, sitting down. He took the seat across the table from her, trying a bite of the pie. "This is very good. Thank you for dinner, Anna."

She gave a little nod, watching him with an uncertainty she hadn't displayed inside. "I know it's inappropriate of me to ask, but... is John having an affair?"

He barely managed not to choke on his pie, and took a bite of the ice cream to help the sudden lump of sawdust go down his throat. "Why would you say that?"

She gave a little shrug, and sighed. "I don't know... he seems distracted a lot lately. He comes into the city with me sometimes when I go to work, but I don't really know what he does there other than go see people that he knows. Not that I've ever met any of them other than you. I'm not even sure they have names." She looked more upset now, and took a bite of the pie, chewing fiercely.

"Perhaps he is afraid that if he shows off such a beautiful girlfriend, someone will try to steal you away," he found himself saying, not knowing how else to respond.

She gave a little helpless laugh. "You think so? I don't know what to think any more, Daniel. I tried to..." she stopped, and flushed. "Don't think I'm a loose girl, I really love John. So I tried to... to get him to come to bed with me last night, but he just... didn't seem to get it." She looked up at him helplessly. "There isn't someone else in his life? Someone in the city?"

It took every inch of discipline he had to smile at her naturally, reassuringly, like he would a client. "I think that I know John well enough that I would know if there were another woman in his life, my dear. You have nothing to fear."

"Thank you," she replied, but didn't look that convinced. Without warning, she moved chairs to sit beside him. "Do you really think I'm beautiful, Daniel?" She asked, green eyes wide in the light of the setting sun.

"I can think of no one better for John," he replied, trying to be reassuring.

"What about for you?" she asked softly, and before he could reply, she'd leaned in and pressed her soft lips to his.

After the moment of shock in which his mind processed what was happening, he jerked back, feeling his cheeks burn, fighting down a wave of anger and revulsion. "I think it would be best if we went back inside," he said simply, and stood.

Her hands flew to her mouth in horror. "Oh god - I thought you wanted - I'm so sorry -"

"No woman could make me betray a friend," he told her, fairly trembling in anger and trying not to speak more harshly, turning for the house.

She came after him and caught his arm. "Please don't tell John..."

"You said you loved him," he shot back accusingly.

"I do! But..."

"But what? You either love him or you do not. If you love him, you will not entertain any further thoughts of him with other women or you with other men. You will trust him and be true to him, and if I find out anything to the contrary, he will be told exactly what just happened."

"Of course, I'm so sorry..."

He turned from her without a reply, waking up the steps of the back porch just in time to meet John at the door. "Please excuse me, John. It has been a very tiring day, I believe I will turn in early. I'll leave you two alone for some quality time."

"Are you all right?" John asked softly, immediately worried.

He forced a warm smile. "I am fine. Simply tired. We can talk tomorrow." And with that, he pushed past him and retreated to the guest room. He was tired in all truth, and it didn't take long before he'd fallen asleep wrapped in the covers of John's comfortable guest room bed.

~~~~

 

When Daniel awoke, the room was dark, dimly lit by the moon through the window - how long had they had a moon? - and the hallway light. John was on his knees at the side of the bed, watching him worriedly, fingers stroking slowly through his hair. "Hey," he said softly, upon seeing that Daniel was awake. "I'm sorry about all that...."

He managed a sleepy smile, stretching. "And I am likewise sorry to have left you. I thought it would seem too suspicious not to let the couple spend time together?"

He looked pained, and gave a little shake of his head. "She upset you, didn't she? What did she say to you?"

Daniel shook his head slowly, and reached out to draw him into a kiss - one of the first he'd moved to instigate himself, and John gave a soft, shivering moan against his mouth, pressing closer to him. "Let's not talk about that now," he murmured softly, stroking his fingers through John's dark curls. "Let's just enjoy the night."

John smiled, a little relieved, and nodded. "Do you want to sleep more? I'd thought we could sit in the back yard and look at the stars...."

He gave a little nod, and dressed again while John made tea, meeting him on the back porch. They sat for a time, sipping the warm drink in relative silence, though Daniel found himself watching his companion more than the skies.

"Do you ever think about where we come from?" John asked softly, toying with the empty teacup.

"All the time," Daniel replied softly, a little wistful. "I read a lot about it, you know. It was one of the few things they permitted me to do, to keep - my library. It sounds beautiful... high mountains and wide open spaces... hundreds of colourful cultures.... I think you would have loved it. We both would, if we could remember."

"And men could love there. Like we do."

He gave a soft sigh, and nodded. "Yes. Openly and without restraint."

"It would be a beautiful thing," John said softly, and sighed. "Do you think there's a way to go back?"

Daniel shook his head slowly, finishing his tea. "I am afraid such a thing would prove impossible. They kept no records of where they found us... just that it was called earth. None of the books I have are near advanced enough to map our way back to earth through an entire universe of possibilities, it seems."

John sat silently for a moment, apparently pondering this, then stood, taking Daniel's teacup from him. "I'll be back in a minute." When he returned, he had a couple of pillows under his arm and a blanket over his shoulder, which he spread on the grass, stretching out on it and leaning back on the cushion. "Come join me."

He chuckled softly and stood, letting John pull him down to rest his head on John's shoulder. "I am afraid we do not have any constellations to look for here."

"Tell me about them," John said softly, stretching his arms behind his head, one hand tangling idly in Daniel's hair.

He smiled at the pleasure of the simple touch, looking up at the stars with a smile. "Well, they were all based on early mythology. Greek and Roman - though I am not certain you would be familiar with those names or earth geography. Greece and Rome were among the earliest civilized cultures in earth history, tens of centuries back. They paved the way for amazing developments in earth civilization. The stars were their legends... stories of princesses in distress, brave heroes, proud queens. That sort of thing."

"Tell me one of them?" John's voice was soft, wistful.

He thought about it for a time, eyes watching the stars. He hadn't really stopped to look at them before, knowing them only as a symbol of the eternal night, his eternal servitude. "Well... I suppose since it is around the right time of year, I should tell you about Orihime...."

"Orihime?"

"Mmm. She was one of the brightest stars in the summer sky, apparently. Daughter of the King of heaven, she spent her days weaving cloth and making beautiful garments for him. But she was very lonely, so he arranged for her to meet a cow herder named Kengyuu - which was another very bright star nearby. The two naturally fell madly in love, and were in fact so much in love that Orihime stopped making clothes, and Kengyuu's cows wandered all over and wrecked havoc on the heavens. The King of Heaven did not take too kindly to wandering cows and not having new clothes, so he forced the two to separate."

"That's horrible," John replied, and Daniel gave a soft laugh.

"That is true, but I never said the legends were all nice. However, the two lovers were allowed to meet once a year on the seventh day of the seventh month of the lunar calendar, when a flock of birds would create a bridge to cross the river of heaven that separated them. As long as it did not rain, that is. Then they would have to wait another full year."

"That's... really kind of tragic." John sounded a little disgruntled, and Daniel let his hand rest on his thigh, stroking gently.

"Love isn't always a happy ending," he said softly, and John sighed, turning to press his lips to his hair. His lover was quiet for a long moment, then turned his face back to the sky.

"Well, clearly we'll have to make our own legends."

He smiled, glancing over to him. "Will we now."

"Well of course. This is our world, isn't it? We can - what did you say? Pave the way for future civilizations?"

He smiled, liking the sparkle in the dark haired man's eye. "Tell me about our constellations, then."

John pointed heavenward. "This legend is about a boy. Do you see him?"

"I see stars, John."

John for some reason thought this was the funniest thing he'd heard in a long time and had to sit up, clutching at his sides. "Damn you!"

Daniel chuckled, giving a little shrug and leaning back on one of the cushions and beckoning him back. "Come show him to me."

John manoeuvred his head beside the doctor's pointing skyward again. "The bright star there is his head... his body... arms outstretched in front of him because he's lost." He moved his fingers to indicate, creating a silvery thread that hung in the air, outlining the shape. "He's been taken from his home by evil, dark creatures who hid the sun and made him forget who he really was."

He smiled, leaning into him a little more. "Yes, I see him. Are the creatures in the sky as well?"

"Of course...." John was silent for a long moment, then pointed, leaving behind more silvery thread that created three lines between six stars, almost parallel, but different lengths. "Those are the creatures. Not only did they take the boy from his home, but they were trying to kill him because he'd found out that he... had been god-touched and was able to copy the creature's powers, and he'd discovered their secrets."

Daniel gave into the urge to chuckle. "A very apt legend, I think."

"Well, the good news is that it ends happily," John continued, and outlined a few more stars. "You see, when the creatures appeared before the boy, ready to kill him, he was saved by this doctor. He was god-touched too, to be incredibly intelligent...."

"I think this story is getting a little far-fetched," Daniel tried to interrupt, but was silenced by a playful pinch to his thigh.

"Hush, it's a legend, and it's not far-fetched at all. Anyway, this very intelligent, talented doctor showed him how to fully use his god powers, and he destroyed the evil creatures and brought the sun back to the world."

"A much happier ending, it seems, than Orihime and Kengyuu."

"Of course. The boy and the doctor built a new world together and lived happily ever after." Daniel turned to look at him quietly, and he did the same, reaching a hand up to cup the doctor's cheek. "Do you like it?"

"You make it sound so simple, John," he said softly, and John smiled, leaning in to press his lips to his tenderly.

"It can be simple."

"I don't see how, John...."

"Shh...." Another kiss, longer, warmer. "I'll take care of things."

"John - "

"Trust me. I'll take care of everything."

He kept his eyes closed, trying not to think about all the reasons why things couldn't be easy - Anna, gender, his past actions, any number of things. "Let's go upstairs," he whispered, because going upstairs meant not thinking about anything at all.

~~~~~~~~~


	4. Chapter 4

Tumbling into bed with John Murdoch was the easiest way to, at least temporarily, the best way to not think about anything other than John. His dark haired lover seemed more than pleased with his enthusiasm as he pulled him inside and up the stairs, fingers already tugging at the buttons of Daniel's shirt, nestling his face against Daniel's neck to kiss it hungrily as they made their way down the hallway to the master bedroom.

"So glad you came out here," he murmured, voice thick with desire, stroking hands inside his shirt, catching Daniel's earlobe between his teeth and nibbling at it lightly, something he'd found made the doctor entirely helpless to him. "Been so good just to have an entire day with you...."

He made a soft noise of agreement, deftly unbuttoning his shirt, stroking his hands over his chest. This he could never get enough of, the feel of John's bare skin under his fingers, the strength of his muscles as John's arms slipped around him, tugging Daniel's shirt off, hands stroking hungrily over his back and shoulders, slipping up to cup the back of his head as he leaned in to catch Daniel's mouth with his own. It sent the same helpless shiver down his spine that it always did, kissing John, and he slipped his arms up around bare shoulders, arching against him with a soft moan as John's tongue flicked against his lips, and met it with a flick of his own, tasting warmth and a hint of tea.

"It's been so good to be here with you," he murmured softly, arching in to kiss him again, loosing himself in the warmth and sweetness of his touch, the press of his lips, the taste of him. John's fingers tightened in his hair, keeping him close, drawing a shuddering breath as their lips parted.

"Want you here every day."

"John... you know that cannot...."

"Shh..." gentle fingers pressed to his lips, and John gave a soft sigh. "Just let me love you."

It wasn't a hard request to fill. John tugged him down to bed, pressing him onto his back and kneeling over him, lips warm on his skin as he kissed down his throat, nuzzling gently the kiss bruises he'd left on his shoulders earlier in the day. Warm hands rubbed over a chest no longer marred by scars, teasing one nipple as John's lips found the other, tongue swirling around the sensitive tissue, dragging his teeth against it. It sent a hard shock of pleasure straight to his groin, and he arched up against his hips up against John's with a sharp gasp, fingers tangling in his hair. "Don't stop...."

"Never," came the soft reply, John's hips grinding back against him slowly, erection more than evident through his trousers, pressed against his thigh. It made him ache for him, and when John's hand slipped down to cup him through his slacks, he couldn't help but moan, rocking up against his fingers, hands clenching at John's shoulders.

"John, please...."

"Please?" He felt the button on his pants tugged undone, the zipper slowly pulled downward, John's fingers hot on his skin through the thin cotton of his shorts. "How do you want it, love?"

"However you want, do anything you want to me, just please..." he drew a sharp breath as John's fingers slipped under the waistband of his shorts, curling around his erection and stroking it slowly. "God, please make love to me...."

"Eventually." John's voice was warm, almost amused, and before he knew it, the man had kissed down his chest, easing his pants and shorts down over his hips, and was covering his erection in long, slow laps of his tongue, slick caresses that sent shivers of sensation up his spine. His hands clenched in the sheets underneath him, biting his lower lip as he resisted the overwhelming urge to rock up against his mouth.

"Oh god, John... so good - !"

His lover gave a muffled noise in agreement, tongue swirling slowly around the head of his cock, sucking at his tip a little experimentally, then taking his head in his mouth. John's fingers wrapped around the base of him, stroking slowly up and down as he began to move his mouth on him, working his tongue against the underside of his cock. Daniel found he could hardly breathe from the pleasure of it, from how warm and slick his mouth was around him, suckling gently, building his pleasure in the most impossibly blissful way, almost overwhelming. He watched the man, hardly believing what he was doing, as he drew back to tease just the tip of him again, tongue lapping against it before taking him in his mouth again, deep enough that his lips met where his hand was stroking.

John moved back just long enough to pull the rest of his clothes off, then took him in his mouth again, hot and eager. It was almost too much when he felt John's fingers slip back between his thighs, stroking his perineum before moving back farther, fingers slick with the lube he'd become familiar with. He eased a finger into him, massaging, stretching him, reaching and crooking to brush against that spot that made stars dance behind Daniel's eyes, made him cry out throaty and helpless. He was arching up against him before he knew it, torn between the slick heat of his mouth and pressing back against John's fingers - two, then three, filling him, achingly good and yet not what he craved.

"John please, please - "

"Shhh..." John pulled back finally, moving back up and letting Daniel catch his mouth with desperate, trembling kisses, arching up against him, almost intoxicated with the taste of himself on John's lips as his lover wriggled out of his slacks,. He was already wrapping his legs around his waist when John caught his hips without further delay, rocking carefully into him with a breathless groan, sheathing himself with a series of slow thrusts that made them both gasp and groan. Daniel's fingers clenched almost painfully at his back, whimpering against his mouth as he adjusted to it, arching up against him to press him deeper.

"Yes..." he managed to breathe, letting his head fall back as John dropped soft kisses to his throat, sucking at the crook of his neck. This is what he'd needed, the overwhelming, intense sensation, the feeling of completion when they were like this - John over top of him, deep inside him, pinning him to the bed with his weight and slow, aching thrusts. Like nothing in the world existed but the two of them in this moment, the pleasure of coupling with him, rocking up against him with breathless cries of pleasure, aching for more. John was gentle with him - John was always gentle with him, despite the few pink bruises that marked his shoulders and chest from his kisses - but he wanted to ache with this, needed to remember the feel of John's strength against him, the feel of being one with him. "Please - harder!"

"Daniel - !" John's cry sounded almost helpless, and he slipped an arm under his hips to lift him higher as he thrust harder into him, picking up the pace, hitting against the aching heat at his core again and again, driving ecstasy through him so strong he could hardly stand it. John's face pressed to his neck, breath in hot gasps against his skin, words broken. "God love - my Daniel - ! Oh god, Daniel!"

It was too much, like it always was, John's voice, his gasped endearments, all the things that Daniel wanted so badly and yet was so afraid of at the same time. He felt his pleasure crest as John bucked hard into him again, arching up against him helplessly with a whimpering cry, the craved for oblivion rushing hot and bright through every nerve in his body, his fingers clenched hard at John's back as if he'd never let go. He heard John's answering cry, felt him shudder against him and join him in climax, which only added to the overwhelming feeling of bliss and satisfaction.

"Love you so..." John dropped breathless kisses to his skin, covering his face with them almost reverently, fingers stroking through his hair over and over, not pulling away, as if he couldn't bare to. "Don't want to let you go...." he breathed almost helplessly, nestling his face against his hair.

Daniel closed his eyes, clinging to him, heart aching at the intensity of his lover's words - neither of which should ever have been meant for him. Things should have never come to this level, never come to the place where this... this relationship threatened the normalcy John had with Anna. Anna already thought something was wrong, was already questioning their relationship. He'd have to pull back... spend less time with John, as much as his heart ached at the thought of doing so.

He drew back and searched his lover's face, fine features bathed in moonlight, and stroked his fingers over his cheek, watching John's eyelids flutter closed at the touch. Whatever had to happen... he could leave it for the night. He leaned up to kiss him warmly, giving a soft sigh of loss as John finally pulled away, curling around him and wrapping the covers around them, letting sleep claim him.

~~~~~~~~

Daniel continued to muse on the problem when they woke up the next morning, showered and dressed, and as they sat in John's sunlit kitchen over breakfast. If John noticed his brooding, he didn't mention it, sitting with him in relative silence and looking a little like he was doing some thinking of his own.

Finally John spoke, once the food was gone, hands wrapped around his cup of coffee. "I'm going to break things off with Anna."

Daniel felt the world drop out from under him, and set his teacup down unsteadily. "... no."

Green eyes looked up at him, confused. "What?"

"John, do not do that to the girl. She loves you. You know you love her - "

"It's not fair to you," the man replied quietly, cutting him off. "Not fair to either of you. I realized that last night when you left, before I took her home. It was stupid of me to think that I could live both lives without one affecting the other. I've hurt you both, and I'm sorry."

"What did she say to you last night after I left?" He asked softly, and John looked away.

"Nothing that had anything to do with you."

"I am not certain that is the truth, John."

John's mouth tightened, green eyes narrowing a little. "She has no right to question how I spend my time when she's working."

"Perhaps she does if you are using that time to see another person," Daniel replied softly.

"I'm not with another woman - "

"John." It came out more stern than he'd intended, and John looked up at him in shock. He pushed onward. "You are putting more energy toward us than you are toward her. It needs to stop."

"I spend more time with her - "

"And she has sensed that you spend it thinking of someone else. That is what she told me when we were together in the garden. Did you know she tried to seduce you the night before last?"

From the flash of surprise that crossed John's face, he knew the man had not. "No. And that's why I'm going to break it off with her."

Daniel closed his eyes for a long moment, letting out a soft breath. Then he stood. "Please excuse me."

"Where are you going?" John followed him to the foot of the stairs, watching in confusion as he returned from the guest room with his small suitcase, which he'd packed when he'd dressed.

"I need to go back to the city. I do not belong here, and we cannot keep doing this. You need to be with Anna."

"I don't want Anna - "

"John, she's your wife."

"She was never my wife!" John seemed almost at a loss for words, one hand gripping the door frame to the kitchen so hard his knuckles turned white. "Why are you doing this? I want to be with you."

He gave a soft, helpless laugh. "Trust me, John. You do not want this."

"I do. I need you - Daniel, I want to be with you."

He turned sharply to face him, keeping his face even as he met his gaze. "No, John, you don't. You don't understand what it means. People do not do this, people will not understand this. What they do not understand, they fear. What they fear, they hate. We could not openly live in love. It would not be safe. We could not even do something so simple as holding hands while we walk down the street." He watched John's earnest expression slow fade to one of sorrow, concern, and sighed softly, reaching out to cup his face gently. "Do you understand now?"

"I'd keep you safe," he said softly, slipping arms around his waist and pressing closer to him.

"I do not doubt that, John. But it is still not a life you want to lead, trust me. Even with your powers, you cannot change people's hearts. Not unless you wish to be like Them."

"Don't say that."

"You need a pretty wife on your arm. Children. Friends, a community."

"Daniel, all I need is you...."

He leaned in to kiss him, but Daniel pulled out of his touch, shaking his head. "Please do not do this, John. You need to stay grounded in reality. You need to stay human, and you will only get that through bonds with those around you. You will not get that by isolating yourself with me."

John's expression hardened. "Listen to me. I don't want that. None of that matters to me if I don't have you."

"Take your head out of the clouds, John." He took another step back, moving to the hat stand to pull on his coat, nestling his fedora on his head. "You need that. You need it if you are going to survive, going to stay sane. It is the only way you can handle your gifts without becoming like they were."

The man sighed, turning away. "I wish you could have a little more faith in me."

"I am sorry, John. It has nothing to do with faith or trust. Simply human nature." He hated the expression on John's face, the hurt and misery, and ached to go to him, comfort him, and to ask his forgiveness, to take back all his harsh words. But he couldn't let this continue, so he steeled his nerves once more, and held back what he truly wanted for what he knew had to be. "Go to Anna, John. Stay with her. She loves you, and I know you care for her. Perhaps you and I can once again be friends in time... but for now, we should not see each other."

"But I'm in love with you, not her." His voice was soft, broken, and Daniel had to fight not to react to the emotion it evoked in him.

"John, I am truly sorry if I..." He took a deep breath. "If I let you believe that this thing between you and I was more than what it is," he forced out, staring at the floor, concentrating very hard on keeping any expression off his face.

"... what do you mean?"

He swallowed hard, not being able to bring himself to look at the source of those hurt words. "I mean that Anna is the one who returns your love, not I."

"You don't mean that?" Incredulity in his lover's voice now, and Daniel shut his eyes against it.

"I do. I am sorry, John."

"No. Don't say that when it's not true. I know you love me, I see it when you look at me. Don't deny it. Don't do this just because you think I should be with Anna, I want you - "

"It is true, John. I care for you but I - I am not in love with you."

"Then why are you here?"

He folded his arms tightly across his chest as if it could protect him from the pain of having to say this. "There is no one else in the city who would look at me the way you do. I simply did not want to be alone forever. I never meant for you to love me, John."

"You don't mean that -" John started, but he cut him off, continuing.

"I would do anything for you, John, you know that. If this relationship was healthy, I would continue it regardless of your feelings, simply because you wanted it. But it is not, and I cannot continue to pretend to something that hurts you when I - when I do not love you."

"Look me in the eyes and say that." He strode forward now, catching Daniel's arms, almost yelling. "You know it's not true, don't lie to me! Look at me!"

"John - you are hurting me - "

"Say it to my face!"

"I do not love you!" He managed to gasp, staring challengingly into green eyes.

"Don't lie to me!" Only the slightest shimmer in them gave him warning of the Tuning before he was slammed back across the room to crash painfully into the door, feeling the glass panel in it shatter behind him as his shoulders slammed against it. He cried out at the sudden pain, at the uncontrollable fear that ran through him at the action, the hurt - just like They used to do to him - and crumpled to the floor, dropping the suitcase and breaking down into soft, gasping sobs.

"Oh god -!" John was crouched at his side in a second, and the horror in his voice was enough to push away any anger Daniel might have felt, but he couldn't stop the tears, couldn't stop choking with each breath, regardless of John's care. "Oh god, love - I'm sorry - I didn't mean to - "

"Let go of me," he gasped, but saw John give a firm shake of his head out of the corner of his eye.

"Not until I've gotten the glass shards out of your coat - "

"Don't touch me!" He pushed him back with strength he didn't know he had, standing and catching up his bag, opening the broken door.

"Daniel - love, please!"

He couldn't answer the absolute desolation in John's voice, couldn't do anything but turn sharply and walk away, hating himself for what he'd done to hurt John, clinging to the shards of his broken heart.

~~~~~


	5. Chapter 5

Days grew into weeks. It didn't hurt any less, whenever he thought of John, but it became a little easier to distract himself with other things. He worked long hours, expanding his practise, and even hired an assistant to keep the desk and do errands for him - using his background knowledge of the people in the city to find himself a sweet, mousy little thing named Jenny who was very efficient, even if she did get hiccoughs whenever she was nervous.

Almost three weeks after he left Shell Beach, a bouquet of two dozen white roses was delivered to his office, much to the confusion of his poor assistant. She knocked lightly on his office door between appointments, looking a little lost. "Dr. Schreber... um, these came for you...."

He gave a soft sigh, crossing the room and taking the card off the bouquet, knowing without having to look who they were from. "You may have them, if you like."

"But they came for you - "

"I do not want them." His reply came out rather sharper then intended, and he caught himself, holding up a hand as he schooled his emotions. "I am sorry, Jenny. I do not wish to have contact with the one who sent them."

"An ex-girlfriend?" she asked softly, and he gave a wry smile.

"You could say that."

She worried at her bottom lip with her teeth, another nervous habit. "I could split them up and put them around the waiting room, do you think? Then they aren't flowers from her... just flowers."

He gave a soft chuckle at her reasoning, and a little dismissive nod, turning to escape to the back office where he kept his desk and paperwork. "If you like." He shut the door behind him and sank down behind the desk, opening the card with trembling hands.

 

_"Daniel,_

_Please accept these with my deepest apologies for hurting you. I never meant to do so, in any way, but it seems _   
_to be all that I can do. I will understand if you want no further contact with me, and respect your wishes._   
_Please know, however, that I am thankful for the blessing of what little time we had together._   
_I will always love you._

_John."_

He set the card and his glasses aside with shaking fingers, then gave into sorrow and buried his face in his hands and cried, wanting to do nothing more than go back to the one that had sent the note, beg for forgiveness for hurting him, for leaving. But it was the one thing that he knew he could not do.

When he left the office late that evening, with John's card tucked in his coat pocket, he couldn't help but pause and look around the waiting room at the vases of roses, in clusters of twos and threes. He swallowed hard at the lump of emotion in his throat, and managed a smile at his assistant. "They look lovely. Thank you."

She was watching him with a little wistful smile, which grew a little at his words. "Thank you, Dr. Schreber. I know you didn't want them, but... the man who delivered them made me promise not to let them be thrown out, so I felt bad...."

He looked at her sharply. "The delivery man?"

"Oh, no. I thought he was a client at first, actually. He was very well dressed, very handsome. Dark curly hair and pretty green eyes." She raised an eyebrow slightly. "A friend of yours?"

"Was," he said softly, more upset than he'd anticipated at the thought of John bringing the roses himself. He pulled one of the roses from its vase, cupping the bloom in one hand, the stem hanging between his fingers, and let himself breathe in the soft perfume. "We had a falling out. We do not speak any more."

She gave a little nod, as if she had expected the answer. "Why don't you take one with you?"

"Perhaps I will." He gave her a soft smile. "Go home, Jenny. You've worked enough for today."

When he reached his apartment, he put the bloom in a small vase on his bedside table, tucking the card away in a drawer without reading it again. The bloom was faintly visible in the light from the window after he turned out the light, and he stared at it long into a sleepless night, cold and alone in the bed they had once shared.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Weeks turned into months, and the pain numbed slowly to a dull ache, a little more bearable. Like walking with a limp. An emotional cripple, knowing well that what little joy he would ever deserve in life would be the satisfaction of helping his clients. Occasionally he still used the bath house, and soaked long hours in warm water, letting the steam disguise tears.

It was quite by chance that he ran into Anna. He didn't go out much, not any more - it was simpler to let Jenny do the shopping. But it was only a few days until Christmas, and he knew she deserved a gift that she hadn't had to buy on her own, so one Saturday afternoon he cleared the appointment books and went shopping.

He was purchasing a perfume gift set at a department store downtown when he heard a familiar voice behind him. "... Daniel?"

He turned, confused. Not many knew him here, or at least enough to call him by his first name. The figure that met his gaze wasn't one that he'd ever expected. "Anna." He forced a smile, pleasantness he didn't feel. "What a surprise to see you. How are you?"

She smiled, moving to his side. "I'm good. Better now that I've ran into you." She glanced down at the gift. "That's a nice fragrance... a gift for a special someone?"

He gave a soft chuckle, and shook his head. "Just my secretary, I am afraid."

"Oh." Strangely, she looked a little happier at that. "I've never seen you come back to Shell Beach."

He picked up the wrapped parcel and held it under an arm, wondering a little at her aims. "I have been very busy with work, I am afraid. How is John?" The words were a little thick on his tongue, and he hoped she hadn't picked up on how hard it had been to say them.

Anna shrugged. "I don't know. We don't really talk anymore."

They don't talk.... He stared at her for a long moment. "You don't talk to him?"

"No, he broke up with me. A week or so after I met you, actually."

He felt his heart beating faster despite himself. "Just after we met. After I came out to Shell Beach?"

She gave a little shrug. "At first I thought I was probably right about there being someone else, but I haven't seen him in town with anyone. Maybe someone at the hospital, he's gone back to working there, last I heard."

He remembered his manners, a little too late. "I am sorry to hear that things did not work out."

She gave a little shrug and a smile. "I'm over it. Plenty of fish in the sea, right? I'm free tonight, if you are? Maybe we could catch up?"

"I have previous engagements," he said quickly, mind thinking on a million things that didn't involve Anna trying to ask him on a date. "I am sorry. Perhaps next time."

She gave a little disappointed smile and nodded. "Next time." He was hardly listening, though, already leaving the department store, hailing a cab for home. John had... broken it off with Anna? Just after his visit - after their fight. He'd actually broken it off with Anna, like he'd said....

He wondered a little at the way his heart sang when Anna delivered the news. He should not, under any circumstances, be glad that John had broken it off with her... but it seemed that whatever strength he had held to when he'd first left John had all but evaporated after so long of being alone. He agonized on it for a few hours, picking up the phone once or twice and putting it back down without dialing. Trying to convince himself not to re-open old wounds, to convince himself that he should stay well and truly out of John Murdoch's life. But he couldn't bare the thought of leaving the man alone. He'd left him, and John had left Anna... was there anyone else? The thought frightened him more than any other worry he'd ever had for John. Had he made a mistake, leaving him? Had he made things worse?

Finally, he decided the best course of action was just to go see the man face to face. He left Jenny's gift on her desk, neatly wrapped and accompanied by a Christmas check, with a note asking her to cancel his appointments up to Christmas and to take a holiday. Then he packed a few things and a change of clothes into a shoulder bag, left a few days food out for his rats, and stopped by a couple of stores before catching the train out to Shell Beach.

It had been chilly in the city, and was colder now in Shell Beach, with an icy winter's wind coming off the ocean, and a light snow that was closer to sleet falling, soaking into his coat. He found himself wishing he'd brought a scarf, but buttoned his overcoat all the way up and turned the collar up before starting up the road to the lighthouse, to John's house, hands pulled into the sleeves of his coat to keep warm. The walk was farther than he remembered - perhaps because it was cold - and by the time he reached the house, he was chilled through and shivering. He was relieved to see a light on in the kitchen - even if John didn't want to see him, surely he could stay for a few minutes to warm up before starting back to the train station.

He reached the mailbox marked "Murdoch" finally, and climbed the porch steps, taking a deep breath before ringing the bell.

The door opened after a few moments, to green eyes that widened at the sight of him. "...holy hell, Daniel!"

"I am s-sorry t-to come un-unannounced - " he tried to speak, but found that as soon as he unclenched his jaw, his teeth started chattering uncontrollably.

"God, you're freezing. Come in...." He bustled Daniel inside before he could say anything more, taking his shopping bags and shoulder bag from him and setting them on a bench beside the entryway, taking his coat - now almost soaked through - and hat, hanging them by the radiator to dry. "I can't believe you came...."

"I am sorry for not calling...."

"I would have made nicer weather if I'd known," he said quietly, not quite meeting his gaze, but taking one of Daniel's hands between his own, rubbing a little to warm it, doing the same for the other.

"I did not know if you would want to see me," Daniel replied softly, his shivering finally stopping in the warmth of John's house.

The man gave a soft, sad smile, lifting his hands to cup Daniel's cold cheeks, but didn't come any closer than that. "I always want to see you," he said softly, holding his gaze for just a moment, and Daniel saw nothing but sadness and regret before he released him, turning away. "I was just sitting down with a cup of coffee. Can I cheat you up some tea? Warm you up?"

He gave a little nod, slipping out of his wet shoes and padding after John in stocking feet into the kitchen. The man sat him down, smoothing his fingers over a spot in the air over the table, and a large cup of tea appeared on a saucer under it. "Help yourself to milk and sugar."

He nodded, managing to keep his hands from shaking as he sweetened the tea and stirred it, watching the liquid swirl around the edges of the cup. Truthfully, he still didn't exactly know what he wanted to say to the man, no more than he had back in his apartment. He'd thought it would be easier, seeing him in person. "How have you been?" he finally managed, weakly, and it sounded fake and trite to his own ears.

"As well as can be expected, I suppose," John replied after a moment, and took a sip of his coffee. "It's kind of amusing... I've been playing doctor."

He quirked an eyebrow. "Doctor, John?"

A soft chuckle, though there was no joy in it. "It's been surprisingly easy. No one's noticed that all I do is visit other doctor's patients. Just that people always feel better after I've been around." He took another sip of his coffee. "I learn a little more every day, about what I can do, how I can help people. Like you do. And it keeps me sane. I think."

"You... heal people? With Tuning?"

"Yes."

Daniel watched him for a long moment, but the man didn't meet his eyes. He realized suddenly that somehow along the way, he had been very wrong in his assessment of John Murdoch. John's humanity, he realized, was not a result of his environment or his peers, but the man himself. Anna or no Anna... John would still do things right. "That's very admirable, John," he found himself saying, meaning so much more than just the idea of John healing people, and suddenly he didn't feel quite so lost, quite so unsure as to what to do.

"I suppose." He finished his coffee and stared at the empty cup for a long moment, then refilled it with an idle hand motion, adding cream and sugar again.

"I ran into Anna today," he started, watching John carefully, who looked a little guilty.

"Oh," the man replied simply. "How was that for you?"

He smiled despite himself. "She tried to ask me out for dinner."

John very soft laugh, still looking out the back window at the sea. "You can, if you want."

"You know very well I have no desire for that," Daniel replied softly, and took a sip of his tea - which was steeped to perfection, as it always was when John made it. "Why are you not with someone?"

"I tried," John said softly. "I've met so many women, I just... I can't stop thinking about you."

"Then why did you not tell me when you broke it off with her?"

John gave a soft sigh, looking down at his coffee silently for a long moment. "A lot of reasons, I guess. I wasn't sure I had the right to, after not being faithful to you last time. Too proud to ask you back when you'd left me. And... with everything you said before you left..." he worried at his bottom lip. "I was kind of convinced you'd reject me."

Daniel watched him, giving a slow nod, and took another sip of his tea. "I tried to convince myself that we should not be together. I am still unsure if it is particularly wise. I thought if I took myself out of the picture, you would be happy with Anna...." He sighed, lowering his head in shame, a sharp agony of hurt and regret clenching at his stomach. "I didn't want to be the other person anymore. The one to ruin your relationship."

"I know," he replied quietly, lacing his fingers around the cup. "I should have never put you in that kind of a position. I'm sorry."

Daniel gave a little shrug. "We all do the best we can with what we have, John." They sat quietly for a few moments, sipping hot beverages in a slightly uncomfortable silence. Finally Daniel spoke again, watching him. "You really could not make your relationship with Anna work?"

John lowered his head, and set the cup down. "I tried," he said, softly. "I really did. But I... every time I saw her, all I could think was that... she'd cost me you. And I began to hate her for it, and hate myself more, until I couldn't stand the sight of her. So I broke it off."

"I'm sorry," Daniel said softly, but the dark haired man shook his head.

"It's not your fault. You know it's not. If I'd wanted her enough to stay with her, I never would have kissed you. Honestly..." he stopped for a moment, flushing deeply. "I know I loved her, when she was Emma. I remember it, I remember being intimate with her, I remember enjoying it. But when I tried to make love to Anna... I couldn't make myself feel anything. There was nothing there anymore." He sighed, shaking his head slowly, and looked up to meet his gaze again. "It was a harsh contrast to the way I felt when I was with you." He gave a soft sigh, glancing away. "I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I've never stopped feeling that way."

He sighed, heart aching at his lover's sorrow. "Please excuse me... I will be right back." He stood and returned to the front entry, finding the shopping bags but leaving his shoulder bag where it sat, taking them back to the kitchen. "Since it is Christmas, you will have to forgive me if I took the liberty of bringing you a gift basket." He set it out - sweet and savory goodies piled high, wrapped in brightly coloured cellophane. "I thought it might be nice to have something you didn't have to make yourself."

John gave a little nod, watching him with a slightly confused look. "Thank you. That's thoughtful of you."

He handed him the smaller parcel, soft and squishy, and sat down nervously. "And this is for you."

He took it with a little questioning glance, setting it on the table and peeling back the scotch tape. The wrapping undone, he lifted and shook out the garment inside, sage green and black. "... shorts?"

"Swimming trunks," Daniel corrected softly, more than a little nervous. "For the hot pool you are going to make in your back yard for me, for when I come to visit you this winter."

"Is that so?" He set down the shorts, watching him, the hint of a smile playing about the corners of his mouth.

"If you would like it to be so, John."

He stood, and beckoned him forward, catching his hands and pulling him close. When he spoke, his voice was soft and low. "Will you forgive me for what I've done, Daniel? For hurting you?"

Daniel's breath caught in his throat, but he managed a nod. "John, please believe me. You have done nothing that requires my forgiveness, and I have done much that requires yours."

His lover smiled, and gave a little shake of his head. "You haven't - "

He placed a finger to John's lips, interrupting him gently. "I have. I was frightened and allowed myself to make decisions based on that fear, instead of listening to my heart, and to yours. I was so very careless with the beautiful gift of love that you gave me. I left you when you needed me, and I lied to you when I did. And above all, I should have had more faith in you."

John pressed his lips lightly to the finger that was still laid along his to keep him quiet, green eyes bright with emotion. "But you came back. That's what I needed most."

"You do not think that it's too late?" He forced himself to ask, with a little shiver of fear, letting his fingers stroke over John's cheek, and the man sighed softly, leaning into his palm, kissing the skin.

"Never." John's hand slipped to cup his face in return, giving a little noise of dismay. "God, you're so cold...." He pulled him closer, trailing soft kisses along his jaw, free hand stroking over the other side of his face, warm and gentle, breath in a shuddering sigh against his skin. "Oh god, I missed you."

"Missed you so very much," he whispered, and leaned in to press his lips to his softly, trembling a little, as if afraid John would disappear.

John gave a soft moan against his mouth in reply, returning his kiss gently, then again and again, warmer, longer, his fingers slipping into Daniel's hair to hold him to it. John's kisses were sweet and yearning, practically drinking in the affection, lips locking together breathlessly. When Daniel let his lips part invitingly, he didn't hesitate, tongue brushing his as he deepened the kiss, tasting of heat and coffee. Finally he pulled back, forehead pressed to Daniel's, breath in soft pants, warm against his mouth. "I need you, Daniel. I need you so much. Don't leave me again, please. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't survive it."

"I promise," he managed to reply with a soft whimper, feeling almost overcome with relief, with love and adoration and, a little shamefully, so much desire for him. But he needed to be sure.... "We will be together, John? Just the two of us?"

"God yes," his lover replied, trembling a little against him. "Every day if you like. Every night in your arms. We'll run the city together and I promise everything will work out... how could I ever do anything inhumane when my heart belongs to you?"

Daniel gave a soft sob before he could stop himself, arching closer, letting his eyes close to gentle fingers that lifted his glasses to wipe away tears, John's lips pressing gently to his forehead, murmuring soft, soothing words.

"I am so sorry, John. I trust you, I promise you." He drew back to meet his gaze, slipping a hand to cup his face, to stroke through dark curls, and held his gaze as he whispered the words he'd always felt, but been too afraid to say. "John... I love you so much..." he gasped softly, losing his hold on tears again, pressing closer. "I always have. I'm so sorry...."

"Shh..." John's lips against his, trembling a little, fingers stroking through his hair, almost choking on the words. "God, I've waited so long to hear you say that...."

"I know," he whispered, kissing him gently, warmly, again and again, soft caresses joining them more than words could. "I was afraid. But I always felt it, John," he murmured softly. "Even before the sunlight. I would have done anything to keep you safe from them."

"You did," his lover replied, pulling back just a little to smile at him, with the most beautiful kind of warm happiness to it. Hope. It was a gift more exquisite than any he ever had right to ask for. "My sweet Daniel," John whispered softly. "My beautiful, brave love."

~~~~~


	6. Chapter 6

John's house was somehow different than when he'd been to Shell Beach before. A little more quiet, cozy and secluded away from the sleet outside. Safe. It was devoid of any form of Christmas decorations, but somehow it seemed to be the perfect place to be, evoking the sense of peace and warmth and home that Christmas was supposed to bring, according to everything he'd read. He couldn't help but regret all of the lost time that had passed since he'd stubbornly left Shell Beach, but at the same time it seemed almost appropriate to come back now, to this little island of warmth in the middle of winter. To John, to the inviting warmth of his arms.

He tore himself from John's kisses almost regretfully, slipping his hands down into his. "May I stay, tonight?"

"Please." John's voice was more than a little husky. "Tonight, tomorrow, god - please stay for Christmas. And any time you like. You're always, always welcome."

He felt a shiver of happiness run through him at the promise he could hear in his lover's voice, and wet his lips. "Will you help me get out of my damp clothes?"

John's smile widened, and before he knew it, he found himself pulled upstairs, John's arm tight around his waist, lips nuzzling his hair. John's room was much as Daniel remembered, though argumentatively his attention was almost entirely on the lips that claimed his hungrily, the fingers that started tugging at the buttons of his coat and vest. It still sent the same nervous thrill to the pit of Daniel's stomach as it always had, but this time it was laced with joy instead of fear, elation instead of guilt, emotion so thick and intense that he hardly knew how to react other than to press closer, tugging John's shirt undone, stroking his bare skin hungrily.

"How are we the only ones to discover how good this feels...?" John murmured, trailing warm kisses along his jaw and down his neck, breath hot on his skin. Daniel let his head fall back to accommodate with a soft moan, letting John smooth his shirt, vest and coat off his shoulders in one go. The room was just a little chilly, and it was a delicious contrast against the heat of John's hands as they caressed his torso and sides, as his lips found that spot just at the crook of his neck that never failed to make Daniel feel almost mad with desire, arching closer to him, a whimpered gasp catching in his throat.

"You were not supposed to," he breathed softly, pushing John's shirt off before letting one hand tangle in his dark curls, the other stroking over his back. "I still don't understand how...."

"Normal doesn't apply to me, remember?" John murmured, nuzzling up his neck to nip at his earlobe, hands slipping down to clench his ass and pull him closer. "Besides, how could anyone kiss you without becoming so terribly addicted to it?" The teasing tone to his voice lowered, emotion thickening his words. "I've never stopped thinking about you, never stopped wanting this, Daniel."

He moved to catch John's mouth with a little shivering sigh, fingers tightening in his hair. "Myself as well," he whispered, yielding to the hunger in John's kisses, arms tight around his shoulders as he arched to him. His body remembered this well, even after so long apart, and craved it, craved the overwhelming intensity of sensation, the feeling of completion that came with intimacy. He let his hips rock to John's, almost maddeningly slowly, groaning into his mouth at the feel of his lover's erection pressed against his thigh, warm and hard under his slacks.

"God, Daniel..." John's voice was almost helpless, fingers a little rough as they slipped to tug at the button of his slacks, and Daniel moved to help him with his own no less frantically. He gave a whimpering sigh of relief as he was finally pulled into bed to lay against him, legs tangled together and hips arching, grinding together, needing as much contact between them, as much bare skin on skin as possible. John's hands seemed determined to map every part of his body, smoothing almost restlessly over every inch of skin he could reach, nails dragging ever so slightly up his spine, sending an intense shiver of sensation straight to his cock.

Daniel bucked up against him with a little helpless gasp, feeling warm, so warm from the affection, the adoration of his touch, almost burning under his fingers. "I'm sorry," he whispered, arching closer, fingers clenched at his back. How could he ever have left this, turned his back on this feeling of such warmth and joy and -right-? "I'm so sorry, John...."

"Shh..." his lover's voice was warm, fingers smoothing over his ass, pressing against him teasingly, silken slick. "We're here now... I won't ever let you go."

He arched back against his fingers with a soft whimper, craving the sensation more than anything, needing to feel claimed and possessed. "Yes... oh god, John - ! Please...." He groaned as two fingers pressed into him, slowly taking him, fucking him. "Need you so badly...."

He could feel John's desire, barely restrained, his lover's breath in hot pants against his lips. "Show me. Ride me?" he whispered, and Daniel gave a little nod. He sat up as John moved to lean back against the headboard, slipping over his lap and leaning in to catch his mouth. He wasn't used to taking control like this, but all doubts were driven from his mind by the way John kissed him, pulling him closer, by his soft words. "Please, love... need to feel you, every inch of you. Show me...."

John's erection was already slick with lube when he curled his fingers around the base, arching up and teasing himself against the head of his cock for a few breathless moments before starting to slowly rock onto him, bottom lip caught between his teeth against the aching shudder of sensation that crawled through him. He hadn't realized he was holding his breath until he let it out in an almost shuddering sob, body adjusting slowly to the pleasure of penetration, rocking until he sat flush with John's thighs. "Oh god. Oh god, John, god - !"

His lover's arms tightened around his waist, holding tightly to him, breath in sharp gasps against Daniel's mouth as they rocked ever so slowly together, hardly moving but to trade breathless, trembling kisses. It was so much more overwhelming to Daniel than it had ever been before, and perhaps it was the time apart, but deep down he knew it was his own admission to this, to what he felt for John. To what he needed, what they needed. To how right it felt, and that emotion was more intense than anything he'd ever felt. "Love you," he whispered, rocking a little harder on him and gasping at the resultant pulse of pleasure, craving physical release for the shudders of emotion. "Love you so, god - missed you!"

"My Daniel." His lover's words caught in his throat, arching under under him to press deeper into him, fingers trembling as they smoothed over his skin. He let his forehead rest pressed against John's, moving a little harder on him, breath coming in little helpless whimpers.

"Always," he breathed, clenching at his shoulders almost desperately as he bucked harder on him, John arching up to him, angling just right to send hot, helpless shudders of pleasure through him with each thrust. "Oh god - "

John's mouth fell to his neck, kissing and sucking at his skin almost desperately as Daniel arched back more, tense and trembling, a throaty cry pulled from his throat with each thrust. John's lips formed his name over and over as he bucked up into him, like it pleased him just as much to say it as it did to fuck him, and slipped a hand between them to curl around Daniel's erection where it pressed against his stomach. Fingers slick with lube, he stroked him fast and firm in time with their hips, groans helpless against Daniel's skin.

The combination of it was too intense for him, too beautiful, being held tight, kissed and licked and stroked with John's cock hard and deep inside him, hitting his pleasure center over and over. It drew him quickly close, riding the almost painfully intense edge of climax, fingers digging into his back, body shuddering against him helplessly. "Oh god, please - !"

He felt John rock up into him hard and erratic with a choked cry, and he registered with a surge of satisfaction his lover's climax, the blossom of heat inside him. John's fingers tightened ever so slightly on his cock, thrusting through his orgasm, and that was the last thing he could handle, the pleasure and sensation and emotion pulling him over the edge, bliss rushing white hot through every nerve in his body as he shuddered against him. It was beautiful, so amazingly beautiful when he thought he'd never have this again, and he had to choke back the flood of emotion triggered by the intensity of it all, pressing his face to John's hair.

John's kisses were trembling, a little wondering, soft on his face as they slowly calmed, and he returned them, heart aching with happiness. "Thank you," John whispered softly, free hand slipping to cup his face. "God, Daniel, thank you... I'm so in love with you...."

It had always made him feel guilty, uneasy to hear those endearments before, and it almost surprised him at how good they felt now. He leaned into his touch with a little shiver, finding himself echoing the little wondering smile on John's face. "And I with you."

They curled together for a time, indulgently, cocooned in the quilts of John's bed, trading soft kisses and caresses. There were vague plans tossed around for dinner later, but neither seemed willing to leave the bed or the intimate contact of bare forms curled together, something that felt more perfect than Daniel had ever thought possible.

"It's going to be a good Christmas," John murmured, fingers sliding warm and lazy through his hair.

"The best," Daniel agreed softly, curling a little closer and closing his eyes under the gentle touch.

Outside, the sleet had changed to thick, white fluffy flakes, beginning to blanket the ground, melting into the ocean. Even though Daniel had always had an apartment, he realized in that moment that he'd never really been home before now.

~~~fin~~~


End file.
